When I am Finally Seen

It was loud

    "She's talking..."

    "He said that was great!"

    "Yes, pass her that please..."

 

Relaying conversations were easy

Listening actively were enjoyable

Observing is in my nature

that, of others

 

Where there is noise

there is silence

When someone is heard

another isn't

Where one is seen

others tend to disappear

 

But a pair of eyes sees me

Hear my spoken words

Warm hands covering the sharp edges

and soft questions to calm my nerves

 

But the very same pair of eyes sees her

Hear her loudest without any words spoken

Marched in front of her to be pierced first

Conversation overflowing for he is the nervous one

 

It is still loud

and I am still observing

but it hurts to notice things 

 

 

Hello everyone, it's getting awkward hearing my own voice so I'm not sure how long I'll be continuing this spoken poetry.... But do enjoy it while it's here! Have fun reading and listening <3 

enter my difficult heart, why don't you?

 Constant knocking

  a fist, a doorbell, a door ring

   throwing balls, throwing letters

anything

to make me open that door

 

A door so huge and tall

Thick with the daily paste of cement added on

sturdy as a 159-years old oak tree

yet so pale and uninviting

 

Despite that those hands bruised itself knocking

Chipping away the cements a millimeter daily

Denting the walls where it usually stood unmoving

A relentless pursuit

 

Poked a hole just big enough

To shake your hands

To tell you Hi and that I am here

am here showing my face only to then retire

 

Oh my gosh such determination!

You came again the very next day! 

... and again ...

...and again!!!?!

 

Soon I split the door into two

Installed some latches to swing them open

For you needed a passage to an entrance and an exit

For a miracle had occurred

               For you had occurred.

 

Thank you, for knocking on my door <3
 

Hello everyone, I'm trying out spoken poetry again! Pardon the weird intonation or pauses, still basing it on feelings for now so do forgive me if I'm butchering it :) 

Enjoy! 

 

You Had Me at Every Hello

 

The water was dark and murky

I knew of the fishes and corals underneath

Though none I could see

No colours seeping through

Still, I had to cross to the safety of the land

So I wadded through

 

The land people noticed my shrunken skins

and my matted hair, tousled with sands

But they could not have known

For the smiling mask I bartered as greetings

Has dawdled their fury of questions

to a later that did not resurface

 

Multiple acquaintances made for comfort

Naming them friends was for the majestic ball

 Still I felt trapped in those murky waters

Sometimes underneath them

Needing gasps after gasps of air

Short moments of reprieve

 

The land people was most welcoming

Hosting lunches and dinners with open invites

Heard of you from the vines full of thorns

Pulled in, I was

an indirect hello for an introduction

Indeed, you kept me intrigued

 

Up on the yacht we paddled

 Conversations of your puzzles kept my thoughts away from those waters

Puzzles you had completed

though some pieces were misaligned and some were broken

Your "willful, artistic approach"

 

Unfortunately the big wave folded us all

Familiarity keeps me afloat in the coldness

As it is more certain that fighting for life. 

While you boarded your boat to safety,

we waved our goodbyes, too precarious to reach out a hand 

 

The drought dried up the waters

But unforgiving of the pains it led stay

So when you told me you had docked at a merriment of a city

I couldn't help but felt envy

Longing for the possibilities that I didn't voice

that stayed silent as I waved you another goodbye 

 

But you were not the gentleman I had met on that land

Perhaps I had not known you at all

For I had waited at the harbour for as many times as those three pigeons you sent

But you were never there

Huh, wait. You were indeed the same gentleman. 

Ones who leaves.

 

A package had arrived last week

Some excitement were still within me due to the festivities surrounding me

I thought my stars were finally aligned!

Paid for a carriage I had

But ride it? I cannot.

 

Obligations bore me, sentiment exhausts me!

But I had too many qualms in me to sustain myself

I had no more riddles to let you butcher without an answer

I had bouquets of my hopes delivered

But no, there was never a single vase

For the roses were left to dry on the pavements in the harbour 

 

Hello everyone, I'm trying spoken poetry for the first time! Pardon the weird intonation or pauses, I trying it out base on feelings for now so do forgive me if I'm butchering it :(

Also, enjoy! 

Almost

 

Almost number one

Till my legs gave in

No strength left to push through

My friend's back as she glides through the finishing line

was what stayed in my memory

 

Almost said it out loud

Before you told me your stance

Before I winged you up

Now my love story became a broken record

continuing to repeat through my adulthood

 

Almost had it enough

Till I chickened out

Swallowing the truth from you

Constantly ruminating on how life would have been

Would you have left him had I told you?

 

Almost ruined myself

Succumbing to the inviting affections

Envy coating me whole when it didn't

Oh, how I almost became the man I hated

Damned, almost brought me to tears

Almost reaching success

Then I sidestepped

Fear of never enough erupting

My countless attempts flashes through and blurred my vision

Still the volcano melted everything

and I self sabotages

Dried Flower

 inspired by Yuuri, from a song with the same title

 

Crumpled at the edges

Hollowed stems that used to 

be sturdy holding us strong

A slight tug is all it needed

For us to sway and fall to pieces 

Dulled colour till browned

What was once fragrant

now smells like moldy air

A day or two more we could stay

Before black and ashes we became

No more water could freshen us up

Upside down, we were tied 

right next to the sun

Over abundance of nutrient I gave us once

Now stem blackens, infected

Still crumpled at the edges

Now the petals had fallen out

Overflowed with too much

care and love

Too porous to hold onto

Once a brightly exciting bouquet

turned black as death

negligence swells the wound

stench welcoming the air

I had once adored our love

Savouring the colours it painted my life

Thinking that I could preserve it

Looking forward to contain it

But before I could hang it dry

so that it will be everlasting

An untimely death beckoning

as the water I had poisoned

The Giving Tree

 "Sure, I'll back you up."

Spoken as I break off the right branch
To be made into a display cabinet
A housewarming gift prepared for next week
Three hundred days since we last met

"Sure, I'll be there in a heartbeat."

For a midnight rendezvous
Curbing your hunger
I had gathered all my fruits
Bringing it to you still in my office attire

"Sure, I'll pick you up."

My sturdy trunk repurposed 
As a shoulder you lean on
When the world tires you out
When exhaustion burns you alive
and I shall burn together

"Sure, let's ride it out,"

Exchanging my leaves for the fuel
To bring us away tonight
An adventure for your delight
As I'm struggling for my eyes to not shut

"Sure, they will return?"

When I'm less than a stump
With my roots clutching hard
Holding on to the dried-up ground
For sure they will come 
                                        . . . right ?

*Inspired by my cousin and friends, for how giving they are, without the knowledge of how the other parties might treat them back. Thank you for being with me.

Irreversible Damage

Started with a gust of wind
Blowing debris
Blowing raindrops
Blowing scents

and then it stops.

Next accompanied with a little howling
of tin can clucking
of pebbles rolling
of tree and shrubs shaking
before it ceases.

But no one moves
No fence strengthen 
No pets secured
No alarms blared
. . . until its, too late

The howls and the wind returns

Ferociously howling

Continuously blowing

Rapidly flooding

Now every bits are gone

I had tried holding on

on the branches of love

love you had completely destroyed

with the tsunami of hatred

that you folded me in

when you claimed the whispers of the winds

as a mere joke to dine with wine

. . . so welcome to my haunted forest

        forgive me not for brushing you off

        be confused of my erratic attitude

        ... or none

        for you now I am but a ghost

        forcibly living, love a mere illusion. 

Presents

 Old Boxes Presents

I went home today

Boxes piling
Dusts rolling
Silence screeching

I picked up a box today
Bending down
Blowing dust
Coughing hard

I saw you again today
of books and clothing
of scents lingering
memories rewinding

I'll come again like today
Opening another
Revisiting chapters
Always remember

7 Feet Away

Grow the distance,

It’ll make you ponder

So much you’ll start to wonder

“Have you eaten?”

“Did you take your medication today?”

“Are you smiling?”

Jay said we are far away

Like the Moon to Earth

Using music to quench our thirst

🎶 … you are 25 minutes too late …

… I call you but you don’t answer …

… however much I think of you, you’re not here anymore … 🎶

One less person calling (me)

Telling me the hurt they held

Soothed my pain that too had swelled

telling me how to be myself

reaching out searching for consolation

a pair of ears that listen.

The distance between us is now a fixture

Yet everyday felt like it is growing wider

With more memories floating into exhilation

Still I Do

People asked if I have loved before

Laughed it off or lie

Are my usual slice of pie

Afraid of reliving my mistakes

Of letting love in

Only to leave it stranded alone

People asked if I am loving someone

Deadpan stares and resigned sighs

“I am not interested in one for now.”

Fear that more questions will tell them

How you are the picture of every lyrics I sang

You are the story of the poems I wrote

People asked what will I do if I fall in love

Smiling, suppressing laughters

Darting eyes, acting innocent

Covering up how it is you I’m talking about

Of the way we have loved before

The way I will love you still

Like Awkward Strangers

 I moved today

To a new neighbourhood

Unloaded my boxes

Cooked our favourite meal

To give out to my neighbours

Breaking the ice

Exchanging phone numbers

Scouting the area,

I went to a store nearby

Used to push the cart with you by my side

Picking up our favourite snacks

For our weekly movie nights

Now I'm talking about vanilla ice-cream

With the lady in pink and white

Wanted to walk,

but it rained heavily

So I took the bus back home

The back seat used to be our favourite

chatting giddily away from others

Now I stood holding the railing

Chatting with a grandma sitting across

I am home.

Taking of my shoes

I saw my reflection on the mirror at the door

Is that same girl still your favourite?

The first to know but the last to be ignored?

My phone now filled with strangers' names

But yours is the strangest of them all.

You Made Me

 does your heart shrinks

your oxygen depleted

gasping for air

does your nerves break down

suddenly anxious

on pins and needles

does your cheek flushes red

body heating up

feverish

does your teeth shows

smiling all the way up

like a maniac

because mine does

that's what you made me do

Elly Mazlein - Dusta Cinta

Dusta Cinta - The Lies of Love

                        proceed for the lyrics' translation!

Do You?: Part III

Do You series

Part III

 

It doesn't hurt like it used to

    Like visiting a war museum

    The pictures so loud I feel the pain

    Then I walked out the door

    The exhibition has ended

 

It doesn't hurt like it used to

    Like an itchy mosquito bite

    Home remedy putting an 'X' across

    Soon the urge subsides

    Still there but scratch I need not

 

It doesn't hurt like it used to

    Like taking anesthetic while delivering      

    Struggling, but pain is not felt

    As the pain altered by the high

    A new life is born out of it

Click here to read the Part I of the Do You? series or here for the Part II.

Do You?: Part II

Do You series

Part II

Memories etched in every muscles I have

    I swear, I have forgotten about you

    I have kept you locked in a faraway place

    I have behaved

    Though my mind whispered, "Why not."

 

Every now and then your name comes up

    I feel that tightness in my chest

    That echo in my mind running loud

    Loud but voiceless, soundless

    Still it hurts

 

Wound from my fall left scars on my skin

    but it no longer hurt or bleeds

    It closes and dried up

    Then why the you that I can't see

    Lingers and pained me

 

Time heals all but memories

    Seeping through my unconsciousness

    Filling all cracks without fail

    The smallest flame ignites

    and I remember it all

Click here to read the Part I of the Do You? series or here for the Part III.

Do You?: Part I

Do You series

Part I

Physical pain versus memory that stabs me

every time I remember

and I do remember

just like I did before

I do it again

I used to dream the possibilities

of being the one you turn your head to

I was hopeful

but truth is not merciful

punched in the guts continuously

"Doing something repeatedly but hoping for a different ending,"

they called this insanity

guess I should be warded now

for I'm in pain

for I have done it again

What if one day I forget about you?

Completely with no residue

will peace finally visit me

or would it be the same

empty and void again?

In a parallel universe far from us

there is me and you

I hope we are strangers

because knowing you hurts

for I'm the one who remembers

 

 

Click here to read the Part II of the Do You? series or here for the Part III.

Toll Gate: A One Second Relationship

I hope my chip is broken

I hope my balance ran out

I can prolonged our conversation 

I can stay and wait for the technician 

Your love is like a highway toll

Reachable only at intersection 

A brief interaction 

Waiting till your next emergence

So I will stay in the city

And pay for those short distances 

Even breaking my feet pumping the brakes 

For you are worth more than a second 

2.0 The Fallout

This is the continuation of The Waiting Girl series (yes it took me a long ass time to upload it, I'm sorry).

***

The silence is deafening.

I can't focus on anything 

It's too loud all I hear is you

But you're not talking 

You're not replying 

God knows if you're lying 

The absence is suffocating. 

Too many people crowding the room

Like a packed can of tomato sardines 

Squeezing in between to communicate 

Lonely despite these people 

Because none of them is you

The distance is widening. 

I listened to them and initiated 

Making the first move was never easy 

No, it didn't work

They were wrong, mistaken 

Now we started drifting, we're drifted 

Reciprocated

Because 

if I've said I love you... 

I could take on your offer

and barred my problems to you 

share my sufferings and doubts

and self-imposed judgements

till you want to listen no more

You could have been my saviour 

the shoulder to cry on

the one to rely on when I'm at lost

or to indulge about my sweet successions 

till it starts weighing heavy

We could have been more

No curfew for replies and calls

Of hugs that felt warm and safe

or endearing names said to each other 

Things I still could not imagine

Because 

if I were to say 'I love you'

would you have said it back?

photo taken from Google images

Shila Amzah & Alif Satar - Selamanya Cinta

Selamanya Cinta - Forever Love

Malay - English

Pabila Ku Lihat Senyumanmu,
Terdetik Memori Pertemuan,
Kali Pertama Kita Berdua.

When I look at your smile

Memories of our run-in emerges

The first time we met

Ada Sesuatu Tentang Kita,
Kemesraan Bersama Membuatku Alpa,
Tak Pernah Terlintas Untuk Aku,
Kehilanganmu.

There is something about us

Our intimacy together made me forget everything

Not even once has it occurred

Of losing you

Aku Tahu..
Aku Tahu Kau Juga Pun Turut Rasakan Itu,
Lebarkanlah Sayapmu Ke Pangkuanku,
Agar Bayangan Hitamku ….. Berlalu.

I knew

I know you felt it too

Spread your wings into my embrace

Make my dark days gone

Tanpa Cintamu,
Ku Merasakan Hidup Tak Lagi Bererti,
Tanpa Dirimu … Aku Rapuh.

Without your love

Life has no meaning

Without you, I'm weak

Tiada Tanda Tanya,
Tentang Ketulusan Kasih Kita Berdua,
Bersemi Cinta,
Ku Harap Kita Kan Selamanya Cinta.

No uncertainties

Of our sincerity

Let love blooms

I hope for a love forevermore

Ho …Hooo,
Jarak Itu…
Buat Ku Celaru…
Memikirkanmu Merindukanmu,
Namun Itulah … Menguatkan Cinta Kita.

Ho ...Hooo

Spaces between us

Complicates my mind

Thinking of you, missing you

But that streghtens our love

Tanpa Cintamu,
Ku Merasakan Hidup Tak Lagi Bererti,
Tanpa Dirimu Aku Rapuh.

Without your love

Life has no meaning

Without you, I'm weak

Tiada Tanda Tanya,
Tentang Ketulusan Kasih Kita Berdua,
Bersemi Cinta,
Ku Harap Kita Kan Selamanya Cinta,

No uncertainties

Of our sincerity

Let love blooms

I hope for a love forevermore

Tanpa Cintamu,
Ku Merasakan Hidup Tak Lagi Bererti,
Tanpa Dirimu Aku Rapuh

Without your love

Life has no meaning

Without you, I'm weak

Tiada Tanda Tanya,
Tentang Ketulusan Kasih Kita Berdua,
Bersemi Cinta,
Ku Harap Kita Kan Selamanya Cinta,
Bersemi Cinta,
Ku Harap Kita Kan Selamanya Cinta

No uncertainties

Of our sincerity

Let love blooms

I hope for a love forevermore

Let love blooms

I hope for a love forevermore