When I am Finally Seen

It was loud

    "She's talking..."

    "He said that was great!"

    "Yes, pass her that please..."

 

Relaying conversations were easy

Listening actively were enjoyable

Observing is in my nature

that, of others

 

Where there is noise

there is silence

When someone is heard

another isn't

Where one is seen

others tend to disappear

 

But a pair of eyes sees me

Hear my spoken words

Warm hands covering the sharp edges

and soft questions to calm my nerves

 

But the very same pair of eyes sees her

Hear her loudest without any words spoken

Marched in front of her to be pierced first

Conversation overflowing for he is the nervous one

 

It is still loud

and I am still observing

but it hurts to notice things 

 

 

Hello everyone, it's getting awkward hearing my own voice so I'm not sure how long I'll be continuing this spoken poetry.... But do enjoy it while it's here! Have fun reading and listening <3 

enter my difficult heart, why don't you?

 Constant knocking

  a fist, a doorbell, a door ring

   throwing balls, throwing letters

anything

to make me open that door

 

A door so huge and tall

Thick with the daily paste of cement added on

sturdy as a 159-years old oak tree

yet so pale and uninviting

 

Despite that those hands bruised itself knocking

Chipping away the cements a millimeter daily

Denting the walls where it usually stood unmoving

A relentless pursuit

 

Poked a hole just big enough

To shake your hands

To tell you Hi and that I am here

am here showing my face only to then retire

 

Oh my gosh such determination!

You came again the very next day! 

... and again ...

...and again!!!?!

 

Soon I split the door into two

Installed some latches to swing them open

For you needed a passage to an entrance and an exit

For a miracle had occurred

               For you had occurred.

 

Thank you, for knocking on my door <3
 

Hello everyone, I'm trying out spoken poetry again! Pardon the weird intonation or pauses, still basing it on feelings for now so do forgive me if I'm butchering it :) 

Enjoy! 

 

You Had Me at Every Hello

 

The water was dark and murky

I knew of the fishes and corals underneath

Though none I could see

No colours seeping through

Still, I had to cross to the safety of the land

So I wadded through

 

The land people noticed my shrunken skins

and my matted hair, tousled with sands

But they could not have known

For the smiling mask I bartered as greetings

Has dawdled their fury of questions

to a later that did not resurface

 

Multiple acquaintances made for comfort

Naming them friends was for the majestic ball

 Still I felt trapped in those murky waters

Sometimes underneath them

Needing gasps after gasps of air

Short moments of reprieve

 

The land people was most welcoming

Hosting lunches and dinners with open invites

Heard of you from the vines full of thorns

Pulled in, I was

an indirect hello for an introduction

Indeed, you kept me intrigued

 

Up on the yacht we paddled

 Conversations of your puzzles kept my thoughts away from those waters

Puzzles you had completed

though some pieces were misaligned and some were broken

Your "willful, artistic approach"

 

Unfortunately the big wave folded us all

Familiarity keeps me afloat in the coldness

As it is more certain that fighting for life. 

While you boarded your boat to safety,

we waved our goodbyes, too precarious to reach out a hand 

 

The drought dried up the waters

But unforgiving of the pains it led stay

So when you told me you had docked at a merriment of a city

I couldn't help but felt envy

Longing for the possibilities that I didn't voice

that stayed silent as I waved you another goodbye 

 

But you were not the gentleman I had met on that land

Perhaps I had not known you at all

For I had waited at the harbour for as many times as those three pigeons you sent

But you were never there

Huh, wait. You were indeed the same gentleman. 

Ones who leaves.

 

A package had arrived last week

Some excitement were still within me due to the festivities surrounding me

I thought my stars were finally aligned!

Paid for a carriage I had

But ride it? I cannot.

 

Obligations bore me, sentiment exhausts me!

But I had too many qualms in me to sustain myself

I had no more riddles to let you butcher without an answer

I had bouquets of my hopes delivered

But no, there was never a single vase

For the roses were left to dry on the pavements in the harbour 

 

Hello everyone, I'm trying spoken poetry for the first time! Pardon the weird intonation or pauses, I trying it out base on feelings for now so do forgive me if I'm butchering it :(

Also, enjoy! 

Hey, Hear Me Out

 I told my neighbour yesterday

That Anna from 2 doors down had a man over

Unbeknownst to her husband

Who had been away for days

Huh? Oh, for I haven't had jogged pass him at all this week!

I went over to her house immediately

When I saw Derek passed out by the pool

Flushed red cheeks screaming how much he had fun, obviously 

Surely..., day drinking and experimenting stuffs

Ughh, with no other than that muscled friend of his

Left my neighbour a voicemail as she didn't pick up

Oh my God did you know what happened?

Stella bought so many new insurances! 

Hurry, buckle up your seat ladies

A dead husband is coming our way soon!

I went to my neighbour's just now

It's pitch black outside but I saw it

Richie sneaking pass his lawn to Anna's kitchen

In her nightgown she welcomed him

See, what did I told you before?!

 

Some came to me by the news

Some you called in to 'inform' me

Some just stared me right in the eyes as I opened my front door in the morning

 

It was their house doctor

Visiting Anna's husband at home

as he had been down with a bad cold

 

Derek had a swimming coach that day

As he was struggling to breathe due to overexertion

 while you stopped me to ring the ambulance just in time

She did not come from money

So when she was finally promoted after 10 years of working

Stella bought her first ever insurances, for the whole family

They had been married for 8 years

A homemade lemon cake craved by an eight-month-belly

and be damned, Anna bakes real good

I never knew why my neighbours never stayed

I made all efforts to befriend them

Updated them daily fearing they might missed it

Busy working or even baking

like my ex-neighbour now 2 doors down

Almost

 

Almost number one

Till my legs gave in

No strength left to push through

My friend's back as she glides through the finishing line

was what stayed in my memory

 

Almost said it out loud

Before you told me your stance

Before I winged you up

Now my love story became a broken record

continuing to repeat through my adulthood

 

Almost had it enough

Till I chickened out

Swallowing the truth from you

Constantly ruminating on how life would have been

Would you have left him had I told you?

 

Almost ruined myself

Succumbing to the inviting affections

Envy coating me whole when it didn't

Oh, how I almost became the man I hated

Damned, almost brought me to tears

Almost reaching success

Then I sidestepped

Fear of never enough erupting

My countless attempts flashes through and blurred my vision

Still the volcano melted everything

and I self sabotages

Dried Flower

 inspired by Yuuri, from a song with the same title

 

Crumpled at the edges

Hollowed stems that used to 

be sturdy holding us strong

A slight tug is all it needed

For us to sway and fall to pieces 

Dulled colour till browned

What was once fragrant

now smells like moldy air

A day or two more we could stay

Before black and ashes we became

No more water could freshen us up

Upside down, we were tied 

right next to the sun

Over abundance of nutrient I gave us once

Now stem blackens, infected

Still crumpled at the edges

Now the petals had fallen out

Overflowed with too much

care and love

Too porous to hold onto

Once a brightly exciting bouquet

turned black as death

negligence swells the wound

stench welcoming the air

I had once adored our love

Savouring the colours it painted my life

Thinking that I could preserve it

Looking forward to contain it

But before I could hang it dry

so that it will be everlasting

An untimely death beckoning

as the water I had poisoned

Age of Maturity

They said it is caused he's young

Still gallivanting life

A free soul not yet tied down

A boy, wanting adventures

That's why he chased after her.

 

They said that he has the build

Masculinity to gawk at

Fulfilling dreams of reliability

A man's shoulder to depend on

Both hands outstretched, he caged her.

 

They said it is caused of his immaturity

Joyously experimenting

No repercussion on his end

"Just a friendly flirting"

So he laid his head on her shoulder.

 

They said that he'll grow up

Give it some time

With age and responsibilities

Wisdom will soon matures him

That is when he'll slow down. 

They said people will change

Too early to be judged

But an older man I have witnessed

Having the heart of a selfish boy

Disappointing homes he should have cared most.

The Giving Tree

 "Sure, I'll back you up."

Spoken as I break off the right branch
To be made into a display cabinet
A housewarming gift prepared for next week
Three hundred days since we last met

"Sure, I'll be there in a heartbeat."

For a midnight rendezvous
Curbing your hunger
I had gathered all my fruits
Bringing it to you still in my office attire

"Sure, I'll pick you up."

My sturdy trunk repurposed 
As a shoulder you lean on
When the world tires you out
When exhaustion burns you alive
and I shall burn together

"Sure, let's ride it out,"

Exchanging my leaves for the fuel
To bring us away tonight
An adventure for your delight
As I'm struggling for my eyes to not shut

"Sure, they will return?"

When I'm less than a stump
With my roots clutching hard
Holding on to the dried-up ground
For sure they will come 
                                        . . . right ?

*Inspired by my cousin and friends, for how giving they are, without the knowledge of how the other parties might treat them back. Thank you for being with me.

Irreversible Damage

Started with a gust of wind
Blowing debris
Blowing raindrops
Blowing scents

and then it stops.

Next accompanied with a little howling
of tin can clucking
of pebbles rolling
of tree and shrubs shaking
before it ceases.

But no one moves
No fence strengthen 
No pets secured
No alarms blared
. . . until its, too late

The howls and the wind returns

Ferociously howling

Continuously blowing

Rapidly flooding

Now every bits are gone

I had tried holding on

on the branches of love

love you had completely destroyed

with the tsunami of hatred

that you folded me in

when you claimed the whispers of the winds

as a mere joke to dine with wine

. . . so welcome to my haunted forest

        forgive me not for brushing you off

        be confused of my erratic attitude

        ... or none

        for you now I am but a ghost

        forcibly living, love a mere illusion. 

Presents

 Old Boxes Presents

I went home today

Boxes piling
Dusts rolling
Silence screeching

I picked up a box today
Bending down
Blowing dust
Coughing hard

I saw you again today
of books and clothing
of scents lingering
memories rewinding

I'll come again like today
Opening another
Revisiting chapters
Always remember

7 Feet Away

Grow the distance,

It’ll make you ponder

So much you’ll start to wonder

“Have you eaten?”

“Did you take your medication today?”

“Are you smiling?”

Jay said we are far away

Like the Moon to Earth

Using music to quench our thirst

🎶 … you are 25 minutes too late …

… I call you but you don’t answer …

… however much I think of you, you’re not here anymore … 🎶

One less person calling (me)

Telling me the hurt they held

Soothed my pain that too had swelled

telling me how to be myself

reaching out searching for consolation

a pair of ears that listen.

The distance between us is now a fixture

Yet everyday felt like it is growing wider

With more memories floating into exhilation

Still I Do

People asked if I have loved before

Laughed it off or lie

Are my usual slice of pie

Afraid of reliving my mistakes

Of letting love in

Only to leave it stranded alone

People asked if I am loving someone

Deadpan stares and resigned sighs

“I am not interested in one for now.”

Fear that more questions will tell them

How you are the picture of every lyrics I sang

You are the story of the poems I wrote

People asked what will I do if I fall in love

Smiling, suppressing laughters

Darting eyes, acting innocent

Covering up how it is you I’m talking about

Of the way we have loved before

The way I will love you still

Mimosa*

 *Pokok semalu

Dibuai angin masihkan tenang

Daunnya kembang tiada terkesan

Jangan diusik, jangan dipegang

Di awal hari sudah ku pesan

Pulang ke kampung dari kota

Dulu termangu kini ceria wajahnya

Makin dihalang tinggilah nafsunya

Tidak diubati hitamlah hatinya

Diajak rakan usiklah segera

Mengusik kesemua daun yang malu

Enggan ku bilang tidak diendah

Matilah jiwa tertutuplah pintu

Bunga - Intan Payung feat. Noraniza Idris

Intan Payung - Apple of My Eye / Sweet Pumpkin

                        proceed for the lyrics' translation!

Do You?: Part II

Do You series

Part II

Memories etched in every muscles I have

    I swear, I have forgotten about you

    I have kept you locked in a faraway place

    I have behaved

    Though my mind whispered, "Why not."

 

Every now and then your name comes up

    I feel that tightness in my chest

    That echo in my mind running loud

    Loud but voiceless, soundless

    Still it hurts

 

Wound from my fall left scars on my skin

    but it no longer hurt or bleeds

    It closes and dried up

    Then why the you that I can't see

    Lingers and pained me

 

Time heals all but memories

    Seeping through my unconsciousness

    Filling all cracks without fail

    The smallest flame ignites

    and I remember it all

Click here to read the Part I of the Do You? series or here for the Part III.

Do You?: Part I

Do You series

Part I

Physical pain versus memory that stabs me

every time I remember

and I do remember

just like I did before

I do it again

I used to dream the possibilities

of being the one you turn your head to

I was hopeful

but truth is not merciful

punched in the guts continuously

"Doing something repeatedly but hoping for a different ending,"

they called this insanity

guess I should be warded now

for I'm in pain

for I have done it again

What if one day I forget about you?

Completely with no residue

will peace finally visit me

or would it be the same

empty and void again?

In a parallel universe far from us

there is me and you

I hope we are strangers

because knowing you hurts

for I'm the one who remembers

 

 

Click here to read the Part II of the Do You? series or here for the Part III.

Reciprocated

Because 

if I've said I love you... 

I could take on your offer

and barred my problems to you 

share my sufferings and doubts

and self-imposed judgements

till you want to listen no more

You could have been my saviour 

the shoulder to cry on

the one to rely on when I'm at lost

or to indulge about my sweet successions 

till it starts weighing heavy

We could have been more

No curfew for replies and calls

Of hugs that felt warm and safe

or endearing names said to each other 

Things I still could not imagine

Because 

if I were to say 'I love you'

would you have said it back?

photo taken from Google images